HELP SURVIVORS TO THRIVE

The clinical definition of a narcissist is as follows:

A person with a psychological disorder, a persistent pattern of grandiosity, fantasies of unlimited power or importance and the need of admiration or special treatment.

One of the many acronyms of a narcissistic personality is "special me":

• S: sense of self importance,
• P: preoccupation with power, beauty or success,
• E: entitled,
• C: can only be around important or special people,
•  I: inter-personally exploitative for their own gain,
• A: arrogant,
• L: lack of empathy,
• M: must be admired,
• E: envious of others' success and accomplishments.

It is now believed that the narcissist is someone that suffers from a form of PTSD. This may sound controversial but it is now understood that the narcissist behaviour is the result of mental and/or physical abuse as well as a history of mixed signals given by the caregivers. 

The child has been loved, dismissed, over prised and so on in a continuous cycle of contradicting emotions and validations. For example: the child was praised in front of others and punished or ridiculed when in private, this would cause the child to seek praises when in public and to withdraw when in private so creating a dependence for acknowledgement and validation from "outsiders" and an inability to understand the basis of a healthy relationship. As a consequence, during the development, the child would learn to manipulate situations and people in order to obtain what he/she wanted and needed the most. 

Although this gives us an understanding of how and why the narcissist mind may have been created, this does not excuse in any way, the behaviour of the narcissist. 

As adults we all have the discernment to decide how to behave and if to or not, respect others.

How to handle something, someone any events in our life does not come with a written instruction booklet. The way we need to handle things change from person to person based on capabilities, experiences and character.

What follows is a list of useful tips that I have found helped in my personal experience of living with a narcissist. 

Please do read through, feel free to change, ignore or add different tips in the way that reflect you as an individual.

• Avoid direct confrontation,
• Reiterate your need for actions over promises,
• Create and maintain solid boundaries,
• Remember your values and that you are not to blame,
• Do not compromise or accept bad behaviour,
• Understand that you need support from people as well from professionals,
• Remember that you are allowed to walk away and to do so if you feel the need,
• Educate yourself about the illness in itself,
• Learn what gaslighting is and how to deal with it,
• Create a safe space for yourself,
• Learn how to ground yourself and how to keep calm and collected,
• Nowadays the most important and most agreed piece of information on how to deal with a narcissist is to never try to "have the last word" or to argue back where is possible because the narcissist will read this as an "invitation to battle" and so to escalate the situation,
• It is often safer to dismiss the argument and to walk away, to retire in a safe space may this be physical or psychological.

Nowadays there are different "schools of thoughts" about the topic. But they all agree to some degree that narcissism is considered a mental illness as much as depression for example, and the diagnosis has to be created by many different factors, behaviours, character and traits, just as it is done for any other mental illness.

Because of this complexity, in 1979 Raskin, Robert N. and Calvin S. Hall created the NPI, Narcissistic Personality Inventory. This was a list of items, questions or affirmations to which respond with a clear yes or no; that are presented to a patient for them to choose one or the other option.

Originally this list included 220 items. 

In 1984 this list of items was reduced to 40 and again in 2006 reduced to 16 items.

The NPI is not intended as a sole indicator of the diagnosis but as a parameter with which to measure the severity of the mental illness.

Today NPI is widely recognized as one of the principal tools of diagnosis and widely used by professionals all over the world.

A narcissist person or to put it better, a person with NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder cannot be cured.

As today there is not a way to "fix it" or to make it better like we do with a broken leg for example.

First of all the narcissist would need to acknowledge that he/she is affected by a mental illness and have to take responsibility for how this affects people around them as well as themselves. Subsequently, with a mix of carefully placed therapies and medications, the narcissist could learn to manage the illness and to make progress towards a better life.

But, as many of us know and as many of us have witnessed, the person with NPD will never admit that they may be wrong.

Every relationship is different. 

Relationships are created by the two people involved may this be a couple, siblings or friends alike. When we enter in a relationship we bring who we are, our character, habits and so much more than is possible to list.

Ending a relationship is always painful, terribly difficult, a moment in time where we lose not only the other person but a part of ourselves as well. It is a process that I can only compare with the loss of a close person.

Ending a relationship with an abusive person, a narcissist in this case, is even more difficult because as well as what we feel for that person, we have to come to terms to the damages that the relationship has done to us, to our spirit and body alike. In essence, we are grieving for the lost relationship as well as for the loss of ourselves in that relationship.

There is a moment when we know, we feel that the relationship is not safe any more, I call this "the five seconds of clarity".

Signs may be physical or sexual violence as well as understanding that we have been gaslit or controlled in our every move without knowing it as well as for many other signs. As I said previously, those signs will change from relationship to relationship. But the "gut feeling" is the same for everyone, for every person I have spoken with about this.

To leave a narcissist is a process, a series of steps that we can only do as and when we are ready for it. It is a preparation that can take days or even years.

Here are some of the steps I went through:

• Create a list of the reasons why you are leaving and if possible a diary of the incidents, this will show you the brutal reality, keep you grounded and help you not to look back,
• Create a plan, this include things like clothes, toiletries, documents, money, how to handle the situation if children or pets are involved, a safe place to go, planning the journey away, this to give security and efficiency as well as to have a good heart to heart talk with the manager at work,
• Create a supportive environment of people, professionals and charities that can help, this will make you feel less alone and vulnerable,
• When leaving make sure to cover your tracks and for the narcissist not to know where you go or where you are going to stay,
• Create an emergency plan, I know this may sound catastrophic but in my case was a "god sent". This goes from a safe place to hide ,to have things ready like a power bank in order to keep the mobile phone on, a hidden phone or even a small sum of cash to allow for a taxi or a hotel room for the first night and so much more. Believe it or not, you know what you will need and remember: you will never be over prepared.

Leaving a narcissist, breaking the relationship and changing habits as well as familiar people or places will be traumatic.

Here is a small list of what I have learned were the best choices when I left.

• Go no contact, if needed change your phone number immediately.
• Find legal advice and support, many government offices and charities will be able to direct to the right services, offer legal support and even advocacy service.
• If you feel in danger, do not hesitate to call the 999 and ask for the police.
• Expect the fact that the narcissist will try to use the people you both are connected to, in order to manipulate you and making you feel guilty as well as trying to change how the events are seen by others.
• If communication is needed, use emails. Those are not traceable and as well as offering a written record of the topics discussed, will give you the chance to re-formulate the text before you click send making sure you can express what you need in the most effective way whilst maintain your manners. I know well how much I wanted to react to abusive emails but this would have given the narcissist a chance to shift the blame on me.
• Do your best not to rationalize behaviours, remember that the narcissist is in control of his/hers behaviours and fully aware of actions and consequences. The narcissist is a skilled manipulator.
• Plan ahead activities that helps you relax, re-discover hobbies and passions, this will keep you focused and help keep you grounded.
• Be prepared to experience a very strange feeling of loneliness, almost if you have abandoned someone. Stay strong and go back to the list of reasons why you needed to leave the relationship.
• Give yourself time and permission to grieve, to be sad, irritable..., let your emotions "come out", it will be good in the long run.
• Remember the kindness of people and do not be ashamed of asking  for and accept help from others, may this be a hot meal or a shoulder to cry on.
• Do your best not to hate the narcissist. This may sound controversial but remember, without excusing or condoning, the narcissist has a mental illness just as much as someone with schizophrenia. To hate someone take a lot of energy and in this moment you cannot spare any, especially on something like hate. In this moment you need to use all the energies that you have for yourself, to stand tall.
• "Re-learn you!".  Re-learn who you are, your needs, wishes and desires. This is the time to fall in love again with yourself, you own it to yourself.