Ishtar Love
Codependency is classified as follows:
"Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction".
Codependency can happen in relationships, may those be between family members, couples and friends.
It affect how we interact with the other person and can be explained in a very simple way.
Between the two people there is one called "giver" and the other called "taker". The "giver is the one that support, strive to "make better", "to fix" the other; the "taker" is the person that use feelings behaviours and actions in order to manipulate the giver's behaviour so to achieve what he/she want.
More often than not, the "taker" may have a mental illness or an addiction, a dependency from substances. And in moist cases the "taker" will blame the "giver" for creating the reasons why he/she needs to use substances. Moreover the "taker" will then manipulate the "giver" in order to up-keep his/her addiction.
A "taker" will show emotional immaturity, a non complete understanding of how a healthy relationship works, this will bring them, if confronted about their actions, to deny the reality of what is been done or said.
From the other side, the "giver" has an instinctive, almost pulsating "need" to "give care", to provide support and often to over care for the other person. This is not based on need to control but based on learned behaviours from the past and in fear of being abandoned.
I have recently learned that this behaviour is based on insecurity and scarcity. Essentially the "giver" will try his/her best to appease the other person in fear of being abandoned. This as we know is a learned behaviour for how the caregivers have treated the " giver".
The "giver", more often than not, come from a dysfunctional family where as a child, had to take care of a parent, a sibling or an other person because the adults were incapable of doing so. The "giver" has learned in time that if he/she take care of the other person, they will not abandon them and often will be very self-critical regarding the "quality" of his/her actions towards others feeling that has let them down if the other person is not happy and so on.
Usually, codependency is treated using CBT and cognitive re-framing therapy. Unfortunately, at today, codependency is not classed as mental condition in itself but as a pattern, a learned behaviour and it is often associated with a weak character.
As above mentioned, codependency often happens in relationships where one person has a substance dependence or a mental illness.
Because of the limited understanding of the dynamics behind codependency not many professionals are well informed and in some cases, even deny the relevance of this topic.
Ishtar Love
The psychological definition of boundaries is as follows:
"A conceptual limit between you and the other person;
the physical, emotional and psychological space you need to feel comfortable, safe and respected in your interactions with others".
There are certain "rules" to set boundaries:
Boundaries are a way to express your needs and how far you are willing to go in allowing someone's behaviour. This said, when we set boundaries, we need to understand and expect the other person to be able and free to do the same. We need to be willing to accept those boundaries from them in the same way we expect them to accept ours.
Setting boundaries often, especially at the beginning, feels selfish and we may have the feeling that we are depriving the other person of something, a part of us. We need to understand that every relationship has to balance the needs and wishes of the two people involved and neither of them should negatively prevail on the other.
I recently come out with what I call "a thread". and it goes like so: "A relationship should be Safe. Safety is based on Trust, Trust is based on Respect and Respect is based on Honesty".
Healthy boundaries are where we set the markers for what we class as Honesty in any given relationship.
When setting boundaries we create a clear pathway for the other person to navigate and so we actually give them an opportunity to get closer to us.
When dealing with an abusive person or just working on a codependent relationship, boundaries are extremely important. They give us space to be ourselves and they give us a chance to express, not only our needs, but ourselves in a safe and clear manner.
Eventually, people around us, those somehow involved in the relationship, will notice a difference, will notice that "obstacles" have been put in the way of the other person's bad behaviour.
This may be seen as a brave action, a very much needed action or in the case of toxic environments or families as a way of punishment and retaliation.
This is the reason why, when setting boundaries, we ideally need to have a support, a person that sees what we do and why, in order for us to still feeling seen and heard even when the environment we are in is toxic.
If well used and respected from both parties, boundaries are a solid, positive and clear way to build a relationship based on support and understanding, a relationship that will be able to withstand many storms and achieve a healthy life for all those involved.
Ishtar Love
Prodependency is a new "school of thoughts" regarding the relationship between the caregiver and the person the is been cared for.
Prodependency is a rather new concept created in the USA by Robert Weiss PHD LCSW. The studies were published in 2022 and as today very few professionals are aware of it.
The core of this new way of seeing the relationship draw from the basic knowledge about the human nature, a clear imprint of duties and responsibilities of the counsellor as well as calling on compassion, understanding and validating positive actions in themselves.
In this model, the counsellor attributes to the abuser the responsibility and the accountability for their actions and decision. Emphasis is focused on the importance of taking responsibility and the understanding of the consequences.
All this is done without judgement or shame, everything is defined as objectively and as simply as possible.
The caregiver is validated for his/hers effort in trying their best to maintain a sense of normality and to guarantee safety for the family as well as being given a clear direction in understanding what makes them act in such way.
This validation is given, once again, objectively, just stating the facts for what they are.
When all the facets of the relationship have been exposed, the counsellor will start "working" on the singular individuals.
As mentioned above, an abuser do so of his/her own accord, it is a conscious decision. A bad choice of remedy for something they believe they cannot fix. Moreover it is understood that the reason behind the abuser's behaviour is essentially fear and fragility. In order to fix the need of control and validation is necessary to get to the core of the issue and work from there outwards. This may be difficult at time because it is common for abusers to shift the blame onto external situation or redirect it onto other people in order not to have the responsibility of their actions and how those affect loved ones.
Regarding the caregiver, this person will often be in a state of crisis; the counsellor will need to work on settling those feelings and bringing back a sense of safety and normality. The counsellor will refrain from making a possible diagnosis until the state of crisis has ceased and only then starts to work on core beliefs and what I call "learned behaviours". In order to find the reason why they have to "over love". This is done in order to "contain" damages and to aid recovery from the traumas and the distortion of reality that they have lived in for so long.
Prodependency demand for boundaries from the caregiver, for "safe spaces" or "safe time" apart from where and when the events take place.
Also cast a different light on the actions taken from the caregiver in order to keep a resemblance of safety and normality for the sake of others.
This is where compassion come into play.
Accepting that we can take an unwise decision in a moment of panic or when in a state of crisis.
Ishtar Love
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to infuse self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind.
Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgement and intuition.
Gaslighting can be divided into four different types: "outright lying", "manipulation of reality", "scapegoating" and "coercion".
A person who is gaslighting somebody may use the "withholding technique". This means that they may refuse to listen to what the other person has to say. The gaslighter might also accuse the other person of being the one trying to confuse things. They will pretend that they don't understand the other person's perspective and so on.
Here are some gaslighting examples:
The way to react to gaslighting changes from situation to situation and from relationship to relationship. The most important piece of advice, in my opinion, is to believe in yourself; gaslighting can be very subtle and make you doubt your own mental capacity so, if you think you are being gaslit remember to believe i yourself and possibly keep a journal, notes or phone recordings to support your side of the conversation.
One other important advice that I can give you is to educate yourself, learn about gaslighting, this is imperative.
Other small hints are not to engage in arguments and if possible walk away from the confrontation, do practice been assertive, how to stand your side without become irated or panic as this would only give more power to the abuser.
Sometimes we do need to put protections in place, not only boundaries but legal protections. There are many charities that can help understand how we can protect our assets.
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