endeavourproject

WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE

Domestic abuse is a definition that covers a wide variety of actions and behaviours that are aimed at making the other person act or behave in a certain way using force, manipulation, intimidation and coercion.

If we need to divide domestic abuse in different "sections" we would have the following list:

Psychological and emotional: involves the regular and deliberate use of a range of words and non-physical actions used with the purpose to manipulate, hurt, weaken or fright a person mentally and emotionally.
Physical: deliberately hurting or injuring someone.
Sexual: to force, trick or manipulate someone into sexual activities.
Financial and economic: economic abuse is a wider term than financial abuse but the common thread is the restriction of one's access to money or how someone accesses money therefore the possibility to access essential items.
Gaslighting: a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in the victim's mind.
Coercion: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other type of abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten the victim.
Blackmail and revenge porn: is when someone threats to divulge sexual images or videos of the victim in order to discredit, distress and humiliate.

During the last century, awareness of domestic abuse has grown and many professionals needed to find a way to explain how the dynamic of the abuse in itself does work. If we look above we will see a purple wheel, some professionals consider this model obsolete, this is because when it was first created, was based on a specific section of the population in a specific part of the USA. In my opinion this still is a clear representation of the dynamics, in which I can recognize the patterns of when I was in that situation.

WHY ME?

This, to my knowledge is one of the most important sections of the whole website and to explain what I want to say, I will use myself as an example.

Towards the end of the abusive relationship one of the most pressing questions was: "why me?".

I have learned that the answer is more complicated than I expected.

If I am to look at myself: I come from a severely dysfunctional family where I was "parentified" from a very young age having an emotionally unstable mother that suffered from bipolar disorder and a narcissist father.

This, from a very young age, is what I did learn was normal, what I understood was a functioning and healthy environment. During the decades I have been through a series of abusive relationships where as well as unstable behaviours of varied forms, I was dealing with partners with substances abuse and as a whole with relationships that implied I was going to be the "adult", the sensible one, once again, the parent.

At this point I need to specify that not all the relationships I had were abusive, but the 90% absolutely were so.

I understood, so I thought, this was normal and I actually, without knowing it, I was unconsciously attracted by this type of relationship. I was looking to re-live, recreate the relationship I witnessed in my parents whilst growing up.

Now from the abuser point; there is a narcissist "need", a need to look for a strong person, a person that can "withstand the battles".

From this brief explanation we will understand that the narcissist intends to recreate the dynamics that were learned when he/she was a child as much as the victim does. The narcissist knows exactly what is happening, knows exactly how to act, react and behave. It is a well defined pattern that has proven successful for them in childhood.

If we look at the entire picture, we will see that the abuser and the abused are actively seeking a certain type of relationship because it is all they both know. This "search" as mentioned above, is automatic, instinctive and comes from the subconscious.

It is only when the abused person finally realizes that this relationship is not what he/she deserves, only when something inside finally "snaps" and the realization of deserving better as well as finally seen the patterns that have been learned from the past, that the all picture will drastically change.

This process is different for everyone, different reasons, triggers, timing and so on; all is based on the person's experience and understanding that he/she holds in that moment.

To summarize, "why me" is at the same time the right and the wrong question and does not have a straightforward answer. Both the abuser and the abused are drawn towards something familiar, something they both know well and that feels normal to them.

I need to add that, our brain's only "mission" is to keep us alive, ( I will dive deep into this topic in a separate page ) for us to survive; and for this, in many cases will direct us towards a "comfortable hell". Only because changes and the insecurity of the possible outcomes are putting us in danger; not knowing what may or will happen feels uncomfortable and unsafe to our survival mechanism.

To go back to the question; the way I now answer is the following.

Because abuse is what I grown up understanding as normal.

I was strong enough to take a blow; I had to become so during the years and because my partner needed to recreate the dynamics that kept him safe as a child.

I did not deserve it and it was not my fault in any way possible; my partner, from the other side, knew exactly what he was doing.

THE EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE

From my experience I can compare the effects of Domestic Abuse as throwing a rock in the water. There is the first impact when the rock hit the flat surface of the water, this is the moment that breaks the peace, the stability and harmony of a person. Then there are the ripples, all those small effects on us like being unable to relax, become hyper-vigilant and so on.

Depending from the type of abuse that was perpetrated in that moment, our body and mind will respond with so many fragmented changes, new behaviours and so on, that is very difficult to take note of them all. When we are the victims of domestic abuse we are traumatized over and over in time and in so many different ways; our body will need to adapt, to change in order to withstand the blows. I need to specify that this adaptation process is instinctive, something that we cannot control.

PTSD and CPTSD are the most common results of domestic abuse and we need to look at this picture in a holistic way regarding the body and the mind in equal importance ( I will tackle this topic in a new page giving it the time it deserve ).

I have been there, "I have the t-shirt" as we say, and it wasn't easy to break free and eventually start to rebuild myself and my life.

This is the moment where I made the distinction between "Victim" and "Survivor". It may sound very simple but the impact of this detail is extremely wide and profound.

When I was a "Victim" , I was receiving the abuse, I was suffering the actions imposed on me. Defining myself a "Survivor" gave me a different "place" in the dynamics. I was receiving the actions but now I understood I had the chance to decide how I would react, to feel sorry for myself and feel squashed by the abuse or to take power over how I was going to react.

A "Survivor" is by definition, a person who survives , a person that overcome and copes well with difficulties in their life.

Changing this small adjective about myself has empowered me greatly, has given me hope, gave me a thread to hold on to, however thin and brittle, a thread that was connected all the way to a better place and a new life.

PLANNING TO LEAVE OR TO STAY

When we recognize that we are in an abusive relationship, our mind will start "looking around". Looking at the situations in which we are and at a certain moment, we will experience what I call: "the five seconds of clarity".

This is the moment when something in our mind "snap", we get the gut feeling that we need to leave or have to deal with more abuse. This moment is different for everyone, it will feel different from person to person. Having invested so much in a relationship for then having to walk away, often with nothing but the clothes that we wear, is gut wrenching.

Whenever we decide to either, leave or to stay, we need to make a plan.

If we stay we need to plan ahead for a way to protect ourselves, we need to have a safe space, we will need to think of how to protect our finances as well as, if children or pet are present, how to protect them.

Most importantly what we need to do is to seek help, not only to have support from family and friends but to put in place medical and psychological help. Often we will need to do this secretly and it will feel as if we are betraying the other person but I can assure you, this is not the case.

We do need to understand that we need to put ourselves first and to look after ourselves otherwise we won't be able to help or support those around us.

If, in the other case, we decide to leave, we need to create a plan of how to do so. If you look at the page about "the narcissist" there is a paragraph about leaving the relationship and how to plan for doing so safely. Please have a read.

THE AFTERMATHS

The most difficult part of leaving or stay in an abusive relationship is to re-learn to love ourselves, to learn to prioritize ourselves and our needs.

This may feel like a betrayal, as if we are neglecting the other person and more often than not, guilt will come to the equation. In the page dedicate to the narcissist there is a paragraph about this topic, please have a good look at it.

The one thing I would like to stress is that therapy is at the most. Whatever the situation is, we need to understand that our mind has being scarred and we need to look after this as soon as we can.

Domestic abuse create in us a condition called PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, this is not only a mental conditions that unfortunately will not go away on its own, but it is also not possible to fix with medication alone. It is the result of our body and brain chemistry being changed and having to adapt to a dangerous situation that repeats over time.

When this happen physiological changes occur in our brain and certain hormones are created in unnatural amounts. Our brain chemistry, the actual way our brain works, changes and will be different for the rest of our life.

Pay attention to the fact that this is not, and I stress, it is not a life sentence, nor a punishment for something that we have done or not.

This is the point where we can decide if to be "Victims" or "Survivors". This is the moment where we can take back control of our life and make it better, make it what we deserve it to be.

I am creating a course dedicated to male survivors of domestic abuse, this will have strategies, useful hints, support links and all that is possible to use in order to withstand domestic abuse and to recover from it.

Please look in the menu to find the page dedicated to this.

HOW TO HELP OTHERS

One of the most helpful and powerful ways that us Survivors can help people in the same situation, is to share our story. To make others understand that they are not alone, that is possible to "come out at the other end" better and stronger even if it will take time and a lot of effort.

Because of this, I am creating the "Endeavour Project". A pool of information, shared anonymously, from the survivors point of view. This will be divided into topics, so you may find that the same person will express their experience in more than one place.

The experiences will be collected via messages, emails and any other available channel for this to be available.

Please do join this project, it is imperative that we make others understand that they are not alone and that is perfectly normal and healthy to ask for help.

HELP SURVIVOR TO THRIVE

WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE

... when I understood that: "it wasn't me after all", a new sense of self-respect was born ...

WHY ME?

... only when I, once again, learned to stay still, I was able to let the water settle ...

THE EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE

PLANNING TO LEAVE OR TO STAY

... after all,we are just like plants, sometimes all we need is a better pot ...

THE AFTERMATHS

... we have the power to let people know they are not alone. If you ask me, That is a super power ...

HOW TO HELP OTHERS

HELP SURVIVOR TO THRIVE

WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE

... when I understood that: "it wasn't me after all", a new sense of self-respect was born ...

WHY ME?

... only when I, once again, learned to stay still, I was able to let the water settle ...

THE EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE

PLANNING TO LEAVE OR TO STAY

... after all,we are just like plants, sometimes all we need is a better pot ...

THE AFTERMATHS

... we have the power to let people know they are not alone. If you ask me, That is a super power ...

HOW TO HELP OTHERS

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