WELCOME TO ENDEAVOUR

My name is Ishtar and I am a survivor of domestic abuse.

My story started with my last marriage and with all the red flags I did ignore.

My family was highly dysfunctional and abusive.

My ex partner is a narcissist.

During the years my ex partner mastered the way to control me and how to control the dynamics at home from what regards money, to friends all the way to sexual exploitation.

In my experience, I did not see that what was happening was domestic abuse. I simply did not understand it because of my upbringing and the manipulation I was under, I believed that I needed to endure the problems. 

That thing would get better. 

And from time to time this actually happened, but it was only in short spells that became weaker and weaker during the years.

My ex partner was so good in manipulating me that at one point made me prostitute myself so he could fix his bank account and his debts.

What happened is that problems, arguments and violence became the normality. I was blamed for how my ex partner acted, I was blamed for my reactions if I did try to defend myself.

Then something happened. 

One evening, my ex partner got drunk, very drunk, and during the argument he raised his hands on me. I had a dislocated knee, bruises and a laceration in the mouth. 

I did not leave, not that night.

A few days after another argument erupted and once again my ex partner became violent. 

At half eleven in the evening, somehow, I walked out of the door. I simply had to. 

In that moment something snapped inside me, between the destruction in my soul and my hacking body I became numb, completely numb. In that moment nothing mattered to me, the house and it's contents, my business, my personal possessions; all became worthless. 

I finally understood that I was the one worth protecting and that I was the only one that could do so.

I clearly remember squatting in a boarded up house with no bathroom and no kitchen but most of all with an enormous gash in the roof.

A few days later, I collected all my energies and went back to retrieve my dog. I remember calling the police and explaining the events and informing them of what I was going to do but all the police said was that as it is a domestic matter they would not intervene.

Time went by and revenge came along with it. 

No, not from me, all I wanted at that time was to simply disappear, I felt like a wounded animal that needed to hide. My mind was "hollow", I was "hollow" but I needed to move on somehow. 

I was too exhausted and prostrated to even to look after myself and to be honest, if it wasn't for my dog, I would have let myself "disappear". 

A few weeks went by and my ex partner found where I was and started targeting the house where I was. The police was involved once again, and I had to move another three times to make sure that my ex partner would lose track of me.

I experienced all the "text books" topics from the "flying monkey" to slander and economic problems.  It was the worst nightmare I ever experienced and to this day, I do not wish this upon my worst enemy!

But now, six years later all seem to lay quiet and I have not been targeted any longer.

During that time I lost all those that I thought were friends, my business and all connections that I built for it.

My ex partner smear campaign was fierce. I was accused of things that to this day make my blood go cold and to add insult to injury I found out that my ex partner made several debt in my name as well as opening new bank accounts and overdrafts.

This, a few years later brought me to involve the police again and to have to declare myself bankrupt.

I will never forget when I was talking with the Official Receiver from the Crown Court, the most simple and "sharp" question I was ever given: "why have you waited so long?".

I now understand that I was, still, trying to save something. But that something wasn't me!

And so, the reason why I am creating this charitable trust is for others not to go through what I had to endure. 

For other men to be supported, heard and for them to feel validated and not alone in a world that keep giving us false expectations as well as expecting us to behave in a way that minimize and constrict our feelings. 

I am not going to lie to you.

It is hard, what happened to me was, as I did say, the worst nightmare I ever experienced. But!

And I am going to stress this as long as I will live. It is possible to come out at the other end, better, stronger and more authentic than ever before.

One of the most important thing I have learned is that "the only way out is through".

I have felt in ways that to this day are almost impossible to describe with words. 

I have felt as if there was no reason to be alive and no reason to go on, I will never deny this.

It took me years to understand that after the numbness "evaporated" I felt like  a Victim. I felt like life was against me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Then, one day, a Christmas evening, I looked at my dog and it all changed.

At that time I was still squatting.

All I could afford, food wise, was a small  roasted chicken and a carton of milk from the local supermarket.

I did share what I had with my dog and something shocked me. She was happy!.

When she smelled the chicken she started wagging her tail and, I can still picture it now, her face lit up.

This still bring tears...

She had her dinner and she fell asleep beside me. That moment, when I felt her warmth and could see how serene she was. That was the moment that changed it all.

She Survived, I Survived!

I started working on myself and, although at times, all seemed "doom and gloom" all I needed was to think about her happiness. 

Her ability to be "alive", in the now. Her ability of no let the past define her future.

I have stumbled, I have cried, I have stood up again and again, every time stronger and better, every time more authentic.

I am here to tell you that you can do it!

I'll make sure you will.

What is life now, you may ask.

Well, let me tell you that I am the happiest I ever been!

My health has deteriorated during the years and I am now diagnosed with MS, Fibromyalgia, CPTSD and a few more complaints. But, I am happy.

The way I look at life has changed dramatically, I am serene and I have learned to be at peace with myself.

Life does not happen to me any longer. Life is now a journey and the best thing is that, the beauty of life is in the journey itself.

I have understood that a bad day does't have the power to define my life.

In all essence, I started taking ownership of my life. I worked on myself and will continue to do so till the day I die.

I have studied and am still studying, I am expanding my mind every day and this simple action is giving me clarity and strength. I am not implying that everyone should do the same; as I say, everyone is different and what works for me may not work for someone else.

But, I believe that there is a "universal law" about learning. The more we educate ourselves, the more we are able to make order in the chaos and the more we are able to see what really matter in life.

I have a roof over my head, I have food for my dog and me and I am leading my life respecting myself and my needs.

When I "look deep into it" life is simple when you know what really matter to you.

A very big part of me creating Endeavourproject is to make sure that other men will not be alone when the difficult times arrive. But I am learning day after day that every time I can help someone else to make a positive step towards bettering themselves, a small part of me heals. 

It is a beauty I cannot find the way to describe.

For this, I am grateful. For every "wound" I help to heal, a part of me bloom and this, to me, is the beauty of life.